The Traditional Model
Here’s the parental narrative I’ve been used to - kids should always listen to their parents, they should “respect” their parents. And if they disagree or talk back, they’re “bad” kids.
This approach discourages kids from being intrigued about the world or questioning the status quo. The curious cues kids naturally have, like “why do we do that?”, gets silenced by consistent responses of “shoosh, just do it”.
It shuts them down.
Kids are People, Just Littler
But imagine if your colleagues, friends or partner spoke to you like that. Over and over.
Kids are naturally curious, naturally questioning, and more aware and intelligent than we realise. They’re often more reasonable than we expect, if they’re given the space to reason.
We need to remember that kids are people. With less life experience, sure. But people nonetheless. And we should talk to them accordingly.
I see my 3.5 year old son, Leon, as a mini adult. And I talk to him accordingly.
Independent, Logical and Empathetic Thinking
If they question your judgement, take a moment to consider their perspective. Their train of thought usually has merit. In fact, promote the thought process. Following up with questions like “what if…” and “what happens next…” and “could there be another way…” opens up their minds further. Allow them to flex their mental muscles.
If they refuse to take your course of action (or press to behave in an undesirable way), find out why. There’s always a reason. Seeking to understand what they’re going through will also teach them to seek to understand others too.
They mimic how we treat them. They’re mirrors of ourselves.
Speaking to them in a consistently calm, rational and caring manner - especially in the face of conflict - builds up independent, logical and empathetic thinking in them.
I feel so proud when Leon listens, considers and questions:
“But dad, we could do this instead” or “I broke it, but can we use this to fix it?”
Kids are so amazing.